I sat at lunch today, working on my outline. He was the one keeping the conversations going today-making everyone laugh, when he said it. He spoke of our secret. Everyone who sat there knew, everyone but him. The table went quiet as he continued to speak, going on as if there was nothing wrong. I could see the hurt in her eyes. I could feel the pain as he secretly accused her without even realizing it. I could feel the sorrow as sher turned her head away, letting her hair fall infront of her face. I wanted to slit his throat, he couldn't have even begin to imagine what he was doing. I had to do something, I couldn't stand to see her like that. "I don't think I'm going to remember any of this vocab." Was it obviouse that I was changing the subject? Did he notice that the others piped up about my question? Did we save her for another day?
I... I'm almost afraid to say what I've done, what I've started. I might as well say it though, its bound to come out sometime. I've been taking diet pills for the past week. Now you may be thinking, "Oh its just a pill once a day." Well its more then that, they urge to take 7 and 8 is tremendos(sp?). I want to wiegh less for formal; I've made a pact with another girl, who also has problems with her body, and we are going to get through this, together. Will I OD? Its a possibility. My boyfriend says I am beautiful just the way I am, but is it wrong for me to want to see myself as beautiful as he does? Because I don't. I don't even see myself as pretty. I am ugly. Its sad though, what a person will do to get what they want. I know I'm probbably hurting my body, I can feeling myself getting more and more tired each day. My nightmares getting more bloody and violent. I know what I am doing and yet I continue. I am ugly...on the inside. But! Lastweek I found something... A box...full of...my little monsters. I know where it is, how many bottles are in it, and what is in each bottle. I think of that box night and day, yet somehow I have managed to keep away from it. This inner battle is...so Hard. Most people think my life is soooo easy. If only they knew....
